Monday, September 17, 2012

Curses and Love

I got up early this Monday morning in an attempt to beat my worries and fears out the door.  I was thinking that if I could just get up early enough, before my brain had turned on, I could get to the office and have a productive day and feel better about myself.

Well, what-do-you-know, it worked!

These are the emotional dog days for me. It could be something as simple as missing a few nights sleep, or messing up my medications, but whatever it is these are the times when I my personal hate meter goes berserker.

I'm pretty good at hate, especially when it comes to hating myself.  I'm viscious, I'm mean and I'm merciless.  

My hatred makes me not want to have anything to do with God, church or the bible.  But I know somewhere deeper than my resentment that there is indeed a very real hope in the gospel.  For it's even in these hateful times that I also thirst.

Teya met me at the door not to long ago with these lyrics: "The storms of life, may push and pull, but God is with us God is in control."  As I was muttering and cursing myself yesterday (I was mowing the lawn, in the middle of the day, in September, in Orlando, FL - if that's not a good set-up for a good self-cursing I don't know what is), I couldn't get that lyric out of my head.

The lyric in my head reflects a gospel that is real and bigger than my feelings and hate, simply because it's rooted in fact.  And when you hope in facts, you can feel hateful, mean, vicious, sick and all sorts of awful things about the facts, and it doesn't make one tiny ounce of difference.  That's the beautiful thing about facts.   And the big fact for me today is that I'm in the hands of a good physician.

Yeah, it definitely bothers me that when the storms of life hit, I'm quick to run to everything but God, and I'm quick to turn on myself and others with hate.   It bothers me that I have the nerve to point my finger at God when I begin to sink in the storm of my self-loathing.  It bothers me as I know my actions are totally unfair.  But my suspicion is that "being bothered" rather than repentant is just a form of spiritual pride, so I don't need it much anyway.

However, what is really cool about the good news, is that my attitudes only highlight God's love, grace and mercy.  For he loves me with all the hatred.  He loves me warts, foot fungus and all!

When life pinches me between a net full of crabs and a cactus patch, I'm quick to throw in the towel (which kind of works, because it confuses that crabs and covers the cactus patch.  So that metaphor totally breaks down).  I know for certain I'm no Job of the bible.  I curse God all the time.  If I'd have been in Job's shoes or sandals it wouldn't have been long before they were smoking.

But God's heard curses before.  I know he did on the cross.  And it's to that that I must nod, and precisely because of that that I'm deeply encouraged today.  And it's in his love, that I can love myself, radically.