Today all I can do is to cry out to God and plead for his mercy. I just want to take my problems to him and share what's troubling my heart.
On days like today, when I'm this weary, God knows my way. I know my thoughts are a trap. If I look around I don't have anywhere to turn. No one who really cares.
But if I cry to God and repeat, "You are my refuge, my portion in life. O God, hear my cry, for I've hit rock bottom. Please deliver me from those who want my life, because they've got me beat.
Please lead this prisoner forth, that I can thank you. That the righteous will come around me and rejoice over the fact that you are a rescuer."
-My paraphrase of Psalm 142
If you happened to read my blog yesterday, you may still be depressed. It was a tough entry on a tough day. It's not easy being Phil sometimes. Life can easily get me down. I heard on the radio a few years ago that people who are depressed have a perspective on life that is more realistic than most. I'm just really, really realistic sometimes.
But this Psalm is such an encouragement to me today. For it preaches that life, real Life, doesn't come from me. It comes from God. My God. The one who is my refuge. The one who is my portion. The portion that's been layed asside for me.
I love that David chooses to use the word "portion." When I think of the word I think of getting a heaping portion of my favorite food: carrot cake. I just can't wait to dig in, taste it's sweetness and wash it down with whole milk. I crave the satisfaction of a stomach full of carrot cake.
It's interesting to think on this and the connection Jesus makes with us feeding on him. He is to be more our sustanance than food itself. It's the truth, perhaps a truth that's going on all the time even though we barely recognise it.
For example here I type along (hum-di-dum-qwerty-whatever-hits-my-puny-brain-stuff)and he's the one enabling me to breath and do all the other stuff that I don't understand. I don't understand it because my stupid 8th grade Biology teacher thought we were smart enough to handle post-graduate-doctoral-totally-nerdy textbooks. I weren't smart. And I'm not the leastest bitter.
Back on topic: while it's dangerous to go to far in individualistic thinking as a westerner, the truth is that Jesus goes after and delivers the individual. He loves me, and in his rescue the community rejoices.
I believe that, in the process of support-raising, he will deliver this weary old soul of mine. And he won't just do it for me, he'll do it so that all the righteous will rejoice. I'm not saying that we'll get all our funding. Nothings for certain, save the fact that Jesus saves.
His plans are beyond mine and I know that I'll one day rejoice in them. My vision is so myopic, but his is truly comprehensive. He has the good of all of his children in mind.
This is the nature of our God. He's a rescuer. He delivers. He brings his children to rejoice in the bounties he brings home. And when he's around we're truly at home. God come home today.