My counselor leaned forward in his chair, gave me his full attention and with earnestness in his voice, invited me to envision with him hope. His hope for me was that I'd be able to walk out of his office, thinking about myself the way he thinks of me and with joy say, "Now what do I want to do?"
That question has been rumbling around my brain for the past 24 hours. What is it I want to do?
I love to write. I love to share the gospel. I love how it shapes us, redefines us and is the reality that is so bigger than any of us. If I can't write, I know I'd be very very sad. So I want to write. And I want to write about the gospel.
I love people. Well I do and I don't love people. People are complicated. But they are infinitely interesting and I want to work with them. I don't want to get holed away somewhere alone, burying myself in a coffin of to-dos.
But most of all, deeper than I even know, the divine within me, Jesus himself, is calling me to walk according to a rule. A rule that I am a "new creation." This rule frees, this rule enables me to breath, this rule is about peace, mercy, love and hope, real hope.
And as I think about this new rule and it's hope and all that I want to do, I'm encountering a deep longing to live near my family (my parents and siblings). But they live in the Pacific Northwest.
We've moved here to Orlando to take up a place with Cru High School (formerly known as Student Venture), and rather than feeling like I've struck gold, found the place where I belong, I've grown disillusioned, sad and weary. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a very good minister, but I will not back down from the truth that God is ministering through me. So I'm conflicted.
Many people suffer similar frustrations with their jobs, thinking they are out-of-place, getting over-looked or not using their giftings. And many have gone before me and had a dream and chucked it all only to find that they're not any better off "near their family". Yet I do wonder about my family...
And I'm in a tricky circumstance I'm not even sure I should be blogging about. I'm a fully-supported missionary financially, and this may cause friends and partners to doubt I am where God wants me to be. Or it may even make them think I've lost the vision of reaching those who haven't heard the gospel. It hasn't.
But honestly, most of me believes right now, in this moment, that I am here simply because I didn't know what else to do. Crazy right?! I raised financial support for 2 years, put my family on the line through a big move, and now am wondering if I did it all out of fear of not knowing what to do.
So what do I want to do? I'm not sure. But I know one thing. The God that created this new rule, this fact that I'm a new creation, will not only take care of me and my family but enable me to do what I most truly want. Not my will, but his will be done.
I write all of this in the hope it connects with you, and for the selfish fact that I just wanted to get some of this out of my head.
