Thursday, June 7, 2012
I was going to write about legalism, as I'd just read Jesus' "seven woes" on the Pharisees and Scribes. Then I thought about tying it in to my own tendency to compare, compete and obsessively check my spiritual temperature. Then I thought I'd tie it into the true gospel, the gospel that frees us to understand that we are radically accepted and loved by the real God. It would have been decent stuff, but it's not where my heart is at in the moment.
This morning Melissa was worn out and frazzled, my daughter was fuming, David was pulling on my sleeve to wrestle and I didn't want to get out of bed. Perhaps if I pulled the sheets over my head I could go back to la-la land where all of this would go away like clouds bursting apart on a sunny day. I wish.
Sometimes life feels like drudgery to me. The people I look to to fill me up need filling themselves. My immediate future looks bleak and I just don't have, or don't want to have energy to move forward. (I haven't yet figured that last one out.) So I claw (not really, I drive, but I'm being dramatic today) my way to the office where I can grab a coffee, sit back, and try and process what's going on.
And this morning, to be honest, I have no idea. It's just one of those mornings where the skies are grey, people are frazzled and hope seems a little bleak.
But I'm wondering, if this is how life can get, so drab and vanilla sometimes, what can life look like if I move outside of myself and accept the generous handout of amazing grace? I know that embracing the radical self-acceptance that I'm offered will free me. But probably not in a happy-go-lucky, sweetsie, pie-in-the-sky, fuzzy-chills kind of way.
I've been stressing about this youth conference we're having next week. I've been asked to speak on Spiritual Discipline and I've been everything but disciplined. I've been straining so hard to perform for God, rather than simply being with God. I want to have an amazing talk, see kids overwhelmed by me and go away thinking "Wow that was good." I want God to be pleased with my efforts. It's been an impossible weight I've been carrying and to use a little French, "A real pain in the ass." (I wonder if the French get tired of this expression, or what they say when want to cuss, "To use a little Swazi...")
And to top it off, I'm not that great of a public speaker. I'm probably decent, but if I was to listen to myself, I'd probably walk out after about 30 minutes. One of the reasons is that I almost get sick trying to speak in public. I hate it. It takes so much energy and almost always leaves me depressed.
So that's what's on my mind today: How do I realize that I'm here on this earth, just to do a few simple things: accept that I am loved, love God and love people? I don't have to waste time trying to validate my existence. I exist already and am loved. So that's where I am today, and I hope it will resolve. It will. It always does. Although I have my suspicions. But I'm learning that part of my life is living with these suspicions as well.