Friday, June 17, 2011


How do you come to the end of yourself?

A friend of mine has, and he's experiencing new peace and freedom. My friend is a missionary raising support as well. So he has opportunity to practise his new dependance on God.

At my coffee house/office/place-where-I-waste-a-lot-of-time I always get a username and a password to log on to the internet. This morning my username was an expletive that I simply can't repeat and my password was "ur4u." "Amen," I'm thinking about the password and I'm also wondering about my username curse, "Did God just cuss at me?"

How do I come to the end of me?

I know I need to wave the flag and yell "God, I give up! I want your way not mine."

I'm almost all the time at war with God. My life shows too clearly that I am indeed for me - ur4u.

I've had a few days for my rebellious old nature to rear it's ugly head. My family has been out of town visiting relatives and I've had more time for me. Rather than finding more time with God, I've settled for recklessly diving into my favorite hobby - riding bikes. I've even put work on hold so I can ride my bike more.

It all has me sort of depressed-happy. I'm spiritually hungry and sad, but I'm happy because I'm doing what I want and escaping responsibility. But it's not what I want...

I want to be where God is. I want to come to the end of myself. I want to serve and see beauty and goodness in the world around me. I don't want to be a part of something so ugly as me-time-all-the-time.

And it's got me tired. I can never give myself what God gives. The answer for life is God. The reason for living is God. The joy of life is God. My hobby should be riding bikes with God. Doing everything with God.

How do I come to the end of myself?

Well, since I haven't cracked his book yet today, I'll start there and see what he's up to.

Here's what I found in Psalm 17: "Deliver my soul from the wicked by your sword, from men whose portion is in life is of the world."

I need God to deliver me from the old wicked me. Then perhaps God won't have to cuss at me anymore.

Then: "As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness."

That's how I come to the end of me. When I awake in my righteousness and am satisfied by God's likeness. Right standing before pure wondrous beauty and goodness. Now that's more like it!

(Are you still wondering what my username was? Don't tell anyone but it was "fuqu." Don't worry, I definitely don't think God would ever say this to me, but it got my attention!)

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