Monday, May 16, 2011

I am not I AM.

Melissa said, "You need to get back into writing Philip!" Apparently someone's checking my blog and noticed my week-long absence. It's good to be missed.

I'm trying to get back into a regular rythm of work, play and parenting. It's not easy. I like running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I like having wild ideas and plans, passionately pursuing a plan. And I've had a plan to keep me busy: I'm planning on riding my bike across the southeast for about 500-700 miles, visiting churches, friends and raising funds. Sounds fun doesn't it!

The problem is it's got my head spinning like someone in a horror film. I've turned into whacko-crazed Phil, the one with spittle dripping off his chin. The one who just will not shut up about his plan. The one who's obviously not spending much time meditating and spending time with God!

Yes it happens. Even saints (heavy sarcasm) like me put down our bibles for a while to pursue our own agendas.

But I picked up my huge ESV again this morning, no small feat as it weighs 300 lbs., and found in Ezekiel the phrase that cuts to the core of all OT biblical prophecy: "That you shall know that I am the LORD." It's funny, in the same passage God continues to say that "all the trees of the field shall know that I am the LORD." He's speaking of kings and kingdoms, but I find it funny anyways.

I can see Tree-Beard in Lord of the Rings not finding it funny at all. For Tree-Beard all trees are intelligent.

But this phrase reminds me of Jesus's words in the NT proclaiming that even the rocks and trees will raise up and praise him. So you see all this stuff is bouncing around my head as I write, making it difficult to admit how lazy I've been in keeping God first in my life, "Knowing that he is the LORD."

I think I AM. It's pretty twisted I know. But I feel everything in life exists to serve me in some sort of capacity. And if and when it doesn't, I get bitter, resentful and mean. "You better not frustrate my plans or I'll smite you."

That's why I wouldn't make a real good I AM, I would have smited everyone and everything by now. While I bet smiting would be real fun, I can picture myself with smoking fingertips standing on a pile of rubble, kind of sad because I've run out of stuff to smite. Sad and maybe a bit lonely, even though I'm an introvert. Perhaps there'd be a stray cat left that I could smite: "MEEEOUCH!"

So in all my pursuit of self, I really end up destroying everything and everyone. Not that I have the power to do that. But I do have the power to become a destructive force, a tool of the enemy. And basically I end up not all that fun to be around.

People don't like hearing my crazed plans, especially when I have blood-shot eyes and froth coming out of the corner of my mouth. "Back away from the guy with the plan."

So God's reminding me, ever so patiently that he's God, a lesson that, sadly, I'll be learning the rest of my life. It's a really good lesson though, because as I read the OT, I see a lot of destruction and despair there. I see people running from their creator and turning to all sorts of created things and plans and forgetting that God is the LORD, the great existence, the I AM.

I know I'll forget today. I know I'll forget that life isn't about me, its about Him. I know that I'll take his grace and forgiveness for granted. But to whatever degree I remember, to whatever degree I bow my knee, to whatever degree I become the real creature I am, Philip, I have hope. For last time I checked, God still reigns.

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